


Worth a shot or two

by Engineerd



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Humor, Dante and Nero are lightweights, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Post-Devil May Cry 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 11:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18964543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engineerd/pseuds/Engineerd
Summary: "Why are you even drinking that?" Nero asked, staring at Dante's beer can with disgust. "Devils can't get drunk.""About that," Vergil said.(A story in which Vergil gets his brother and son drunk for the first time, and the boys don't really make progress working through their issues).





	Worth a shot or two

**Author's Note:**

> A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.  
> -Unknown

 

 

_Prologue_

 

"Why are you even drinking that?" Nero asked, staring with disgust. "You can't get drunk, can you?" 

Dante tipped his beer can in Nero's direction and impossibly leaned back even further in his desk chair. "Tastes good, kiddo." 

"It tastes disgusting." 

"That's your unrefined palate talking," Dante said. "You'll understand when you're older." 

"Bullshit," Nero said. "You're calling my palate unrefined, pizza-man?"

"Is that supposed to be an insult? Pizza is the best food on earth. Way better than any potato-"

"You've never had Kyrie's twice-baked potatoes!" Nero shouted, jumping to his feet and pointing an accusatory finger. "And way more affordable than ordering out every day, might I add-"

"If you had to cook it yourself it doesn't count as food," Dante dismissed. "Ergo my pizza and my beer. You want a can, squirt?" 

"I'm not drinking that," Nero said, reaching out to catch the can Dante threw at him anyway. "Next time this gets thrown it's going at your head, old man." 

"Now that's just wasteful." 

"I wouldn't drink that swill either," Vergil said, and Nero just about jumped out of his skin with the realization that his father was still there. "If you'd like an alcoholic beverage capable of affecting demons, I could acquire some for us." 

Dante slammed his can down on his desk and dropped his legs to the floor, staring with interest. "Really? There's demon booze?" 

"There's a lot about demons that you don't know," Virgil said. 

"Well I guess being stuck down in hell since the '90s has been good for something," Dante said. "Wait. Is it made from human blood?" 

"I'm not drinking any blood," Nero said. 

"It is not made from human blood," Vergil said, frowning at both of them. "You are under no obligation to try it." 

"No way, Bro-se," Dante said, leaning forward. "You promised the booze. Bring me the booze. I've been trying to get drunk longer than the kid's been alive." 

"That's healthy," Nero commented. 

"You can go home if you want, Nero," Dante said. "I don't want you driving home jacked up on the not-human blood booze."

"It's called Ebony," Vergil said. 

Dante raised his eyebrows. "Ebony! No way!" He pulled his pistol out of his belt. "Are you saying I've been hauling around a gun named beer this entire time?" 

"A closer equivalent would be tequlia," Vergil said. 

"You're messing with me." 

"I thought you knew," Vergil said. "Ivory is the name for the demon equivalent of...I think the humans call it cocaine?" 

Dante exploded with a litany of shouted protests while Nero stared at his father. The corner of Vergil's mouth was twitching. 

 

* * *

 

_Drinks: 0_

 

Two family gatherings in two days was the more than Nero thought they could handle, honestly, but Vergil was bringing ebony and supposedly alcohol would make social interaction easier?

"Stop thinking so hard, you're gonna break something," Nico said from the driver's seat. "It's drinking your first booze, not rocket science." 

"You can actually do rocket science," Nero huffed. 

"And I've been drunk before too," Nico said. "You're gonna be fine." 

"No videos." 

"I'm your ride home," Nico said. "You're not exactly in a position to be making demands." 

"I didn't ask you!" 

"Did you think I would miss this?" Nico asked. "I bet Dante's going to start dancing. Twenty bucks." 

"I'm not betting with you." 

"Five bucks on you crying and thirty on your old man stabbing something by the end of the night."

"Screw it," Nero said. "I'll take the five. I'm not crying." 

"You're on, pretty-boy," Nico said. "May I remind you the name of the business?" 

_"May_  cry," Nero said. "Devil  _may._ Not will." 

"I think you're tearing up already." 

Nero didn't dignify that with a response - instead, he just opened up the car door and tumbled out onto the pavement which was, strictly speaking, the road Dante's shop inhabited. 

Nico's van screeched to a halt. "Are you kidding? We're still half a mile away!" 

"Worth it," Nero mumbled, starting to jog towards the shop. 

Dante and Vergil looked up with identical expressions of unease when he entered, but Dante recovered quicker. "Pip-squeak! You've got dirt in your hair." 

"We're the same height," Nero scoffed, running a hand over his head. Ugh, his hair did feel gritty. "Also fair warning. Nico is my ride home." 

"Nico's here?" Dante cried out, face breaking into a grin. "That girl's probably the best drinking buddy this side of the millennium!" 

"She has to drive - whatever," Nero huffed. He startled a little as Vergil thrust a glass full of something dark like brandy into his hand. "Uh, thanks." 

"I think we'll both need it to get through this night," Vergil said quietly. Nero raised his glass awkwardly in his father's direction in the most pathetic version of a toast ever, and they both took a sip. 

 

_Drinks: 1_

It tasted disgusting. Nero immediately started coughing and spit everything he could back into the cup. 

Nico burst through the door. "What did I miss, what did I miss? Gingerbread man here jumped out of my car-"

"Nero spit up his drink," Dante said. 

"Right on schedule," Nico declared, pulling a small notebook out of her back pocket and crossing something off. 

"Screw you guys," Nero declared, knocking back the second half of his drink and refusing to shudder. The drink burned its way down his throat and still felt warm in his stomach. 

"Nero, I've wanted to get you drunk the entire time I've known you," Nico said seriously. "It's a shame regular alcohol percentage cowers in front of your demon constitution." 

"A darn shame," Dante agreed, taking a swig. 

"This is a one-time thing," Nero declared. "Just so I know what it's like." 

"Oh, come on," Nico said. "Give it a chance, you might like it." 

"I don't need to drink," Nero said. "Besides, Kyrie wouldn't-"

"Kyrie would be just fine with it. She certainly doesn't mind getting cozy with a bottle of wine on our girl's nights-"

_"What?"_ Nero hissed. "You guys have gone drinking without me?" 

"What did you think we were doing?" 

"I don't know!" Nero said. "Haircuts! Nails! Girl stuff!" 

"There was certainly girl talk," Nico said, staring pointedly at Nero's crotch. 

Nero blushed bright pink and shifted the ends of his coat in front of him. "No way," he said. "Kyrie wouldn't - you're messing with me." 

"I made you a vibrating hand."

"I'm going to go call her," Nero said, striding towards the door. Dante handed him the rest of his drink as he passed, and Nero threw it back just like he's seen people do on TV. It still tasted gross, but the burning in his throat slightly lessened the burning on his cheeks. 

"You're going to give my son alcohol poisoning," he heard Vergil say before he slammed the door shut behind him. 

 

_Drinks: 2_

Kyrie seemed a little worried that he was calling back so soon, but reassured him that she hadn't shared any too graphic details about their sex life with Nico. "She just enjoys getting under your skin." 

"I know, I know," Nero said. "That doesn't stop me from being jealous that she's gotten to go out drinking with you and I haven't." 

"We will one day. For now, go and enjoy spending time with your family." 

"You're my family." 

"I love you too," Kyrie said. "Now go have fun. Text me whenever you want, ok?" 

"Ok," Nero said. "I'm going to hold you to that date." 

"I'd expect nothing less. Goodbye, darling." 

"Goodbye," Nero repeated, and continued staring at his contact picture for Kyrie long after she'd hung up. For all that Dante and Vergil might be blood, Kyrie was the one who's stood by him his entire life, who supported him and never lied or kept secrets or tried to conquer the human race. Kyrie was his family, and nothing would make him happier than to go home and curl up with her while watching a movie or something for the rest of the night. 

_Can't do that. She'd want me to make the effort._

Maybe the drinks were starting to hit him. Nero straightened up, shoved his phone back in his coat pocket, and strode purposefully back into the front office. "I've been informed Nico is a liar," he announced to the group. 

"I ain't a liar," Nico shot back instantly. "You just assume things." 

"Well you just imply things." 

"Kiddos, kiddos, tonight is a night of celebration and relaxation," Dante interrupted. "Nero, grab another glass, I'm going to make a toast." 

Nero snorted but accepted the glass that Nico shoved in his direction. 

"To my brother's return after a long twenty years," Dante said. Vergil, sitting on the couch, froze. 

"Twenty-three years," Nero corrected under his breath. 

"And to ebony!" Dante added, tapping his glass against Nero's. 

Nero nodded and downed his drink in one go. 

 

_Drinks: 3_

 

"So what's a girl got to do to get some music up in here?" 

"Let me introduce you to my most prized possession," Dante answered, jumping up and leading the way to the jukebox. Nico followed eagerly, leaving just Vergil and Nero in the sitting area. 

Nero resigned himself to sitting in silence and was just pouring himself another drink when Vergil said quietly, "Twenty-three?" 

Nero looked up, finished pouring his drink and sat back in his chair, never breaking eye contact with his father. "I'll be twenty-three in nine months. I'm generously assuming that's the amount of time you've been off this realm."

"Ah," Vergil said. "That is....fairly accurate."  

"Fairly accurate," Nero echoed. He took a sip of his drink, cleared his throat, and asked, "so how'd you find out about this stuff?" 

"Well, I did spend twenty-three years down in the underworld," Vergil said. "I don't have a perfect memory of much of that time because of the Mundus incident, but I'm sure you know all about that." 

"Mundus incident?" he said. "No, I don't." 

Vergil frowned. "Dante didn't tell you?" 

"Dante doesn't tell me  _shit,"_ Nero said. He took another large gulp of his drink. 

"I thought you were close." 

"We were pretty close for two devil-hunting acquaintances," Nero said. "Pretty freakin' distant for family. I didn't even know we were related." 

"You never wondered?" Vergil asked. 

"Why?" Nero asked. "Did you ever wonder when you were chopping off my arm?" 

Vergil looked away and threw back a drink. "I was dying," he said to the wall. "Your arm grew back." 

"Luckily for you," Nero muttered, and finished off his drink. 

 

_Drinks: 4_

"Nero!" Nico's voice called, probably saving him from a fight with his father. "You any good at pool?" 

He pushed himself to his feet and blinked in surprise as the world wobbled - the drinks had hit him suddenly. He poured himself another to play it cool and called back, "I'm not bad." 

"Not bad, eh?" Dante said. "Care to put your money where your mouth is, kid?" 

"You're not using me to fund your debt to Lady, old man." 

Behind him, he heard Vergil scoff under his breath, "not close." 

Nero froze. Not worth it, he told himself. Not worth it not worth it not worth it not-

"What was that, Vergil?" Dante asked. "You want to join?" 

"I'm fine where I am," Vergil said. 

Dante graciously allowed Nico and Nero to form a team against him. Despite having twice as many moves, they still got their asses kicked. 

"Rematch," Nero demanded instantly. 

Dante just laughed. "I've lived with this thing for years. Don't worry about it. This is how I used to pay my rent as a teenager." 

"Y'all want a refill?" Nico asked, going ahead a refilling their cups anyway. 

"Thanks Nico," Nero said. "You hustled pool as a teenager?" 

"Sure did," Dante said. "I had a whole list of aliases and everything." 

"Hey, V-man," Nico said, and wandered away towards Vergil. 

"I grew up in an orphanage," Nero said. 

"I know, Nero." 

"Yeah, you know everything about me," Nero said. He took the first sip of his next drink. "Rack them up again." 

 

_Drinks: 5_

Dante threw him a glance. "If you want stories, you can play me for them."

"I get one question for every ball I sink." 

"Done." 

Nero went first - the striped number 4 went in. "Okay, first question," he said, well aware of the fact that this would probably be his only one. "What if you didn't come back from hell?" 

Dante was leaning on his cue and frowning at him. "I did come back from hell. Always have." 

"But what if you didn't?" Nero pressed. "What did you think would happen?" 

"I knew I would come back," Dante said. "I didn't think about it." 

"You left me, and you didn't think about me at all?" 

Dante turned towards the table and started lining up his shot. "Nope," he said, popping the p. "I knew you'd be fine. I knew I'd be back." He sunk two balls on his first shot, four on his second, and the rest of them including the black ball last on his third. "Want to play again?" 

Nero put down the drink he'd been nursing and craned his head around to look at the opposite corner of the room. "Hey, Vergil!" he shouted. "Can you beat Dante?" 

His father looked up from where he was sitting and being talked at by Nico. "Pool, no," he called back. "Darts? Yes." 

"Take that back, Vergil!" Dante shouted. "Bar games are mine!" 

"Same rules," Nero said, striding over to the dart board and straightening it. He passed the red darts to Dante and the black parts to his father, who was approaching cautiously. "Vergil, every time you get a bull's eye, Dante has to answer a question." 

"Whoa," Dante said. "That's not-"

A black dart was already flying through the air and hit the center of the dartboard quivering. "That's the rule,"  Vergil said. "So, tell me, Dante. Where were you when Mother died?" 

Nero poured himself another drink and sat down on Dante's desk to watch. 

 

_Drinks: 6_

 

"Screw you," Dante said. "I don't want to talk about this." 

"You forfeit the challenge?" 

"You really want to talk about Mom?" 

Vergil bared his teeth. "I asked, didn't I?" 

"Um," Nico said. "I think I'm going to go hang out in the car." She crossed to the front door and let herself out quietly. Neither Dante or Vergil payed her any mind.  

"Fine," Dante said. "You want - fine. Her last words were your name, you know. She hid me in a closest in the burning-down house, told me to hide, change my name, never look back. She slammed the door in my face and went out screaming for you." He threw a dart with more force than strictly required; it landed right next to Vergil's. "Is that what you hated me for?"

"That was the first thing," Vergil said. He threw a dart - top of the bull's eye. "Is that why you never looked back for me? Because she told you to?" 

"I thought you were  _dead,"_ Dante hissed, more venomous than Nero had ever seen him. "I didn't look because I didn't think there was anything to look for. Why didn't you look for me?" He hurled his dart at the board,  where it landed just below center. 

"I did." 

"What?" 

"I  _did,"_ Vergil repeated. "You ran and hid and changed your name and never looked back, Dante, but I stayed. I kept the name Vergil, son of Sparda, and let all the demons come because I hoped one of them would be  _you."_

Dante stared. "That's not the same as looking." 

"It's all I could do," Vergil said. "You didn't even think about me." 

"That's not true." 

Vergil threw his last dart; it missed the board entirely and embedded itself in the wallpaper. "Last question. On Mallet Island, did you...realize..."

Dante sucked in a breath. "Oh, god, Verge, no. I didn't - I didn't even recognize you, it had been 10 years, I..." he looked down and gave a sad chuckle. "I thought you were dead." He threw his last dart without looking. It landed right next to Vergil's. 

Nero finished off his drink and poured himself another. The splash sounded loud in the empty room. "Do I get any more questions?' 

"Hell, no," Dante said. "I'm out, I'm - I'm gonna go drink myself to sleep like I've always wanted and then pretend this never happened. I'm never drinking again. Thank you, brother, nephew, for a nice family reunion as always." He snagged the bottle of ebony with two fingers and fled upstairs. "Feel free to let yourselves out!" 

Nero stared down at what he guessed was now his last glass. "Wow. We broke Dante," he said. He giggled a little to himself and took a sip. 

 

_Drinks: 7_

 

"Nero, you're drunk," Vergil said.

" _You're_  drunk."   

"I've had practice holding my liquor," Vergil said. "Something neither you nor Dante have had."

"I'm fine," Nero said. "I'm not the one who went upstairs crying." 

"Dante's not crying," Vergil said, but he looked off in the direction of the stairs. 

"He might be crying," Nero said. "I mean, the shop is called Devil  _May_ Cry. But I've never cried, and it's Dante's shop, so..." 

"Be quiet," Vergil ordered. 

"Lady teases Dante about it sometimes," Nero said. "I think she's seen Dante cry." 

"Nero, shut up." 

"You can't tell me what to do," Nero said. "You're not my dad." His eyes got very wide. "Oh, crap. You  _are_ my dad."

Vergil sighed. He walked over and sat down on the desk next to Nero. "I am," he said. "For that you deserve much more than your lot in life has offered. You may have your questions, Nero." 

"My questions? Oh, yeah. Okay." He looked over at Vergil - he looked tired. "Are you going to cry?" 

"I'm not going to cry, Nero," Vergil said. "I promise." 

"Me neither," Nero said. 

They sat there for several moments. 

"Is that all your questions?" 

"Well, no," Nero said. swirling the remains of his Ebony. "But I don't want to fight, so..." 

"I promise not to fight with you." 

"We always fight." 

"I don't want your only memories of me to be of us fighting," Vergil said, and then he looked away at the floor. "Maybe I've had a little more than I thought." 

"Do you promise?" 

"Yes, Nero," Veril said. "I promise." 

"Okay," Nero said. "Are you sorry you cut off my arm?" 

Vergil's fingers twitched. The Yamato was still tied to his belt. "I'm not sorry I'm alive." 

"You could have just asked for it." 

"I'm sorry you had to suffer," Vergil said. "You deserve better than a father who hurts you." 

 "I do," Nero agreed. "Thanks." 

Vergil snorted lightly. "Anything else?" 

"Yeah," Nero said. "Did you know about me?" 

"I did not know you were my son," he said. "Personally, I thought you were Dante's-"

"Dante's? Really?" 

"Well, V thought so," Vergil said. "Urizen as well, but I didn't spare you much thought."

"Why would you think I was Dante's?" 

"He protected you above all else," Vergil said. "His other companions fell and he paid them no mind, but you-"

"He called me dead weight," Nero said sullenly. 

"I think he was desperate," Vergil said. "You were the only one that made him desperate." 

"But I'm your son." 

"Yes." 

"Do I make you desperate?" 

Vergil paused. "You make me awestruck," he said. "It's...a different kind of desperate."

"I don't understand you," Nero said. 

"I don't believe any do." 

"Maybe one day I will," he said. "When I have time to get to know you." 

"That's very optimistic of you." 

"I have another question," Nero said. He downed the last of his drink, slammed the glass down on the desk, and asked, "Who was my mother?" 

 

That was the last thing he remembered. 

 

* * *

 

_Epilogue_

 

"Nero, here," a voice said to his right. Kyrie. "Drink this." 

Nero groaned at the sensation of a plastic cup being shoved to his lips, but drank the water anyways. He cracked his eyes open and immediately regretted it; the light in their bedroom made his head pound with every heartbeat. 

"Good morning," Kyrie said. "I can give you some Asprin, but I'm not sure if it will do anything." 

"I think I'm dying," Nero whispered. 

"You may have over-indulged a little," Kyrie said. "But I understand why. You're a very sweet drunk, you know." 

"I do not remember getting home last night," he said. 

"That's ok," she said. "We were here. And Dante's fine, by the way. You were very concerned." 

"I am never drinking again."    

Kyrie smiled and gave him more water. 

 

   


End file.
